We all have expectations in life, but when you don't let your partner know what your expectations are in relationships, it can only lead to disappointment.
We all have expectations in life.
I used to say I don’t have any expectations in life, and that this prevents me from getting disappointed. However, every one of us at some point harbours those unspoken, half-hidden expectations in life.
You can go ahead and disagree. They are there, I assure you.
We have expectations from our careers: from our bosses, our colleagues, etc.
We have expectations from our children and the choices they make.
We have expectations from our friends.
And the most denied expectations is the ones we have from our spouses.
When the newness of the relationship was still there, you expected very little. You felt great, and you were spending a lot of time trying to please each other.
But once the chemical high starts fading and the relationship deepens, expectations change.
The realisation stage is more of a shock for couples, be it the first time, second time or 10th time around.
We all have those silent imperatives about the roles of spouses. We have watched our parents or aunts/uncles, and start basing our relationship on certain standards.
Then we throw in cultural and religious aspects. If we have add-ons from previous relationships, we have many more expectations.
When we realise this is really deep, we somehow expect our spouse to intuit and know what our silent deep requirements are.
We could know our spouse for 25 years or 1 year. Our silent and less silent expectations can become dangerous.
We start holding each other to impossible standards, and we get angry when he/she cannot read our minds, and fix these gaps, and magically create a perfect marriage.
We never confront the real issues or are just too afraid to speak up because we don’t want to rock the boat.
These expectations: mostly the small, everyday ones that go unmet become insidious. They quietly chip away at your marriage day after day, week after week, until the foundation cracks.
Sometimes the hidden expectations, when spoken out loud, can be funny, shocking, raw or vulnerable.
Not all expectations are reasonable, and yet some are very valid. Having an empathetic ear will be the best way to handle both types.
How you would like your coffee made?
How you want your partner to greet you when his/her eyes open?
Where to buy your new home?
How to deal with families?
If expectations are reasonable and can be met by each other, then that part of compromise and pleasing your partner; becomes a journey of discovery and growth for the couple.
Maybe you expected your partner to help you cook exotic meals and they expected you to do rock climbing. This could bring a new new excitement and adventure into your life, but if they are hidden we will never know.
When we marry, we all have hopes and dreams. That in itself is having an expectation. It a deep sign of need, but the reality is that we cannot meet all the expectations.
But, the ones we can meet and build on, don't write them off, because all we will be doing is making our partners feel unaccepted, alone, and resentful.
We need to also take a step back and look introspectively at our exceptions of each other. Are they reasonable?
Maybe your partner cannot bring you coffee in bed every single morning.
If you are looking for a compliment on how thin you look every day, get your self-image checked out.
Maybe she probably would like you to share the cooking and clean-up after dinner so that she can spend more quality time with you.
Maybe he doesn’t always put down the toilet seat. Deal with it.
Agreeing to some realistic expectations creates a win-win situation and a buoyant feeling of success in your relationship.
Be reasonable. Accept that some boxes you initially had will not or never be ticked off that list, simply because a perfect partner has yet to be born. There is no relationship fairy godmother waving her magical wand.
When things don’t go according to those high barred expectations, we either sulk, get angry, or grieve the losses of over-commitment and under-delivery.
The first step, I think, is accepting that your marriage will never be perfect or else you would be very rich selling your success story. It will always have imperfections.
The best advice a wise person gave me was never compare your partner to others.
You will always have love, laughter, drama, and struggles in your marriage. This is not 1960’s when your mother and father had hearts in their eyes. Don’t compare yourself to couples who have been together for 40 years. Times were different when they married.
In the age of technology, thousands of “how to stay married for dummies”, applications on our smartphones, and schedulers on our iPads, we have created a tower of expectation for each other. It’s time to simplify our lives. Let’s tumble the tower and go back to what’s important for each other.
We can’t completely rid ourselves of expectations. After all, I really do deserve to expect some things, like love, understanding, support and respect.
We will be disappointed by ourselves, our partners, our children, our friends, our family, or our work colleagues; we are, after all, humans.
But it’s how we deal with them that defines us. Express the disappointment then forgive, forget, and let it go.You definitely don’t want that eating away at you every day.
I used to say I don’t have any expectations in life, and that this prevents me from getting disappointed. However, every one of us at some point harbours those unspoken, half-hidden expectations in life.
You can go ahead and disagree. They are there, I assure you.
We have expectations from our careers: from our bosses, our colleagues, etc.
We have expectations from our children and the choices they make.
We have expectations from our friends.
And the most denied expectations is the ones we have from our spouses.
When the newness of the relationship was still there, you expected very little. You felt great, and you were spending a lot of time trying to please each other.
But once the chemical high starts fading and the relationship deepens, expectations change.
The realisation stage is more of a shock for couples, be it the first time, second time or 10th time around.
We all have those silent imperatives about the roles of spouses. We have watched our parents or aunts/uncles, and start basing our relationship on certain standards.
Then we throw in cultural and religious aspects. If we have add-ons from previous relationships, we have many more expectations.
When we realise this is really deep, we somehow expect our spouse to intuit and know what our silent deep requirements are.
We could know our spouse for 25 years or 1 year. Our silent and less silent expectations can become dangerous.
We start holding each other to impossible standards, and we get angry when he/she cannot read our minds, and fix these gaps, and magically create a perfect marriage.
We never confront the real issues or are just too afraid to speak up because we don’t want to rock the boat.
These expectations: mostly the small, everyday ones that go unmet become insidious. They quietly chip away at your marriage day after day, week after week, until the foundation cracks.
Sometimes the hidden expectations, when spoken out loud, can be funny, shocking, raw or vulnerable.
Not all expectations are reasonable, and yet some are very valid. Having an empathetic ear will be the best way to handle both types.
How you would like your coffee made?
How you want your partner to greet you when his/her eyes open?
Where to buy your new home?
How to deal with families?
If expectations are reasonable and can be met by each other, then that part of compromise and pleasing your partner; becomes a journey of discovery and growth for the couple.
Maybe you expected your partner to help you cook exotic meals and they expected you to do rock climbing. This could bring a new new excitement and adventure into your life, but if they are hidden we will never know.
When we marry, we all have hopes and dreams. That in itself is having an expectation. It a deep sign of need, but the reality is that we cannot meet all the expectations.
But, the ones we can meet and build on, don't write them off, because all we will be doing is making our partners feel unaccepted, alone, and resentful.
We need to also take a step back and look introspectively at our exceptions of each other. Are they reasonable?
Maybe your partner cannot bring you coffee in bed every single morning.
If you are looking for a compliment on how thin you look every day, get your self-image checked out.
Maybe she probably would like you to share the cooking and clean-up after dinner so that she can spend more quality time with you.
Maybe he doesn’t always put down the toilet seat. Deal with it.
Agreeing to some realistic expectations creates a win-win situation and a buoyant feeling of success in your relationship.
Be reasonable. Accept that some boxes you initially had will not or never be ticked off that list, simply because a perfect partner has yet to be born. There is no relationship fairy godmother waving her magical wand.
When things don’t go according to those high barred expectations, we either sulk, get angry, or grieve the losses of over-commitment and under-delivery.
The first step, I think, is accepting that your marriage will never be perfect or else you would be very rich selling your success story. It will always have imperfections.
The best advice a wise person gave me was never compare your partner to others.
You will always have love, laughter, drama, and struggles in your marriage. This is not 1960’s when your mother and father had hearts in their eyes. Don’t compare yourself to couples who have been together for 40 years. Times were different when they married.
In the age of technology, thousands of “how to stay married for dummies”, applications on our smartphones, and schedulers on our iPads, we have created a tower of expectation for each other. It’s time to simplify our lives. Let’s tumble the tower and go back to what’s important for each other.
We can’t completely rid ourselves of expectations. After all, I really do deserve to expect some things, like love, understanding, support and respect.
We will be disappointed by ourselves, our partners, our children, our friends, our family, or our work colleagues; we are, after all, humans.
But it’s how we deal with them that defines us. Express the disappointment then forgive, forget, and let it go.You definitely don’t want that eating away at you every day.
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