Remember When Butts Were Supposed To Be Small

Here’s the fact: Kim Kardashian’s relationship with her ass is a lot like Van Halen’s relationship with David Lee Roth.

She’s put too much emphasis on one member of her brand, and now it’s become bloated with pride.

It’s just a matter of time before Kim Kardashian’s ass decides to go solo and make a series of really terrible albums [insert fart joke here].

Leaving actual physical dimensions aside for a moment, it’s safe to say that Kim Kardashian’s ass is huge. HUUGE! This week her nude cover shoot for Paper Magazine became (much like Kardashian herself) almost immediately famous.

There were enough “break the internet” memes to almost do exactly that, while Kardashian’s ass positively smothered it.

Now I don’t often comment about women’s bodies in a public forum. In fact, I almost never do it, because there lies the route to douchery. I say “almost” because I once wrote a piece about Nigella Lawson and her bodacious boobs (I think that was the title), and gave said boobs a very favourable review.

My self-justification was that Lawson is clearly proud of her girls, and consciously uses them to great effect.

Kardashian even more so. WAY more. So much so that an extra-terrestrial might wonder who is using who. She is the undisputed queen of ass culture, which lives by the one simple rule, the bigger the booty, the better.

And I really don’t get it. Not at all.

You see, I come from a world where having a small, tight yet well-rounded ass was the beauty ideal. My world is not so strange – it’s exactly the same as yours, only a few years ago.

Strangely, this whole media sensation reminded me of one of my first girlfriends, way back in the early ‘90s. She was very pretty, and posed as a photographic model before university.

But a student’s diet is rarely friendly to a firmer figure, and she began to swell. And you know how when you put on weight, you always seem to get fatter in certain parts of your body? Well… let’s just say that she took it hard in the ass.

She was dismayed by her new dimensions, and thoroughly embarrassed. I actually ended up defensively snapping back at a few people who I heard making bitchy comments about her. I felt sorry for her. But now, she would be a photographer’s dream.

So how did this become a thing?

Who knows? Maybe Jennifer Lopez started it all by simply existing. Another contribution was the frequent references in songs to being rather fond of big butts with the assurance that there’s nothing false about that declaration.

Stars like Shakira and Rihanna did their bit. And let’s not forget twerking.

No. Let’s. Please.

Big ass culture demonstrates how fluid our concept of beauty really is. Big may be “in” right now, but small will be back. Then it’ll be big again. The same applies to all body parts for all genders: bellies, boobs, thighs, arms… even penises.

But those ancient Greeks were obviously morons.

Eventually, if our species lives long enough, every feature we have will get its chance. We’re all both beautiful and ugly. It’s just a matter of time.

And to end on a personal note, if those fucking ridiculous beards are getting their turn now, I reckon the unshaven hobo look is just around the corner.